Reclaiming Me: Rediscovering Myself after Marriage, Motherhood, and a Career.

“The greatest gift that you could ever give to another is your own happiness...”  Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I’ve always found happiness in the most unlikely places; like the hallway in my childhood apartment building where my best friend and I played for hours.  We were 9 and 10 years old respectively.  Our imaginations ran wild as we conjured the possibilities of being “captured” only to outsmart our “captor.”  We hid in stairwells and set up traps while running up and down 6 stories and laughing uncontrollably. 

Or, the time in college when my roommate called public safety to inform them about a smell that was “emanating” from our radiator. “Emanating,” a simple word yet so powerfully funny that it caused us to burst into laughter and fall to the floor, with tears of sheer joy fit for slapstick comedy.  To this day, that word brings us back to that dorm room from almost 3 decades ago… and we still laugh.

Happiness always seemed to be sparked by a specific event or an experience.  It was never simply a state of being. With this limited understanding, I never pursued anything greater.  I just felt fortunate when I encountered it.

The birth of my children. The day I married my husband.  Living the life that a career in law created.  These brought me joy.  I did my best to be a great mother. I learned how to be a great wife.  I strived to be a high performing attorney.  These were the roles that I willingly played.

As time elapsed, I began to notice that I was playing these roles on autopilot. The days became predictable and absurdly redundant as the awareness that mere moments of happiness were insufficient to sustain me. Unhappiness emerged.  How could that be?  I rummaged my brain as if I was in an attic piled with years of unopened boxes, tasked with finding the one missing piece to this newly found and unfinished puzzle.  I went through the box labeled “mother.”  I found nothing there but heartwarming memories, a million firsts, and reminders of my purpose on this earth.  I went through the box labeled “marriage” and found challenges but confirmation that they were worth the unconditional love we now have.  “Friendships” reminded me of love, support, laughter, experiences, and tight bonds.  “Home.”  We absolutely loved our home and community. And, “Career.”  I was an attorney at the most prestigious law firm within our niche.  I had the privilege of creating this life.  In fact, I worked very hard, made strategic choices, sacrificed and went through years of education to be here.  And yet, I could not find the happiness within that I thought was guaranteed.  Rather than honoring my feelings, I judged myself for being ungrateful. What was wrong with me?  How could I take all of the wonderful parts of my life for granted? More important, if I was unhappy, what were all those years for?  I swallowed those feelings and the years went by. 

The cognitive dissonance I experienced compelled me to go deeper within to reveal my truth; I did not love all the parts of the life I created.  Panic ensued as the reality of that truth fell upon me. The truth was that within two years at the law firm that I so highly coveted, I had an inkling that it was not where I was meant to be.   Things were going well. There was absolutely no reason to leave.  And if I did, what would I do?  I ignored the inkling.  As the years passed, the inkling grew into a nudge and the nudge grew into a force.  With no logical reason, I knew I had to leave but I continued to ignore it.  The refusal to honor my feelings slowly ate away at my integrity. I developed anxiety and subsequent sadness, simultaneously perfecting my ability to mask them.  Next, my mornings began with dread, a deep desire to go back to sleep to avoid the day ahead followed by tears because I realized I could not hide; I had children and a family who relied upon me, and this job.  At night, I’d sleep late hoping to stall off next day.    This cycle grew from once in a while to Every. Single. Day. I revisited the “boxes” again in a more desperate attempt to find answers.  I knew that what I was experiencing, whatever it was, was not what life was intended to be. 

I remained at that job for four years longer than I should have and I probably would have remained there if my misery had not taken a greater hold of me.  “It’s either the job or me” was the thought that triggered a shift.  It’s odd to describe a relatively pleasant job in such a devastating manner but I learned later that when you are not in alignment with your purpose, the universe has a way of pulling you into alignment. It’s starts with an inkling.  Then, you feel the nudge.  When you do not listen, you experience the force.

With fear engulfing my spirit, and without a plan in place, I quit. What followed was shock that I actually did it, and panic and fear about what was to follow. After these intense emotions subsided, I found time to rediscover who I was and learn about what I wanted.  I embarked upon a journey that made me a better version of myself, and closer to whom I wanted to become. This is where my story truly begins. 

Start your journey with my journal. I've given you a few prompts to get you started the remaining pages are entirely up to you.

Reclaiming Me Journal